Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Foiled Again, The Cruelty of Fate

I don't know what this new feeling in my heart means. I feel....clean. The weight of my fears have been lifted, only to be confirmed by God. Perhaps that's why it doesn't hurt, besides the burst of explosion of my sorrow when the message set in. Instinct is always right. If it is a negative thing bound to happen, especially if it derives in untold fear and growing emotions of something negative to potentially come, she is right and I deep down in my subconscious know an untold truth I am to afraid to accept and recognize. And as it gnaws away at the inner chambers of my heart, constantly bothering me, constantly present and becoming more and more of a presence I can't ignore, I know of an untold truth I begin to question and seek out to appease and end the feeling. Comfort....that's what God told me. How can I ever be the same? Part of me has resigned, part of me has pulled away. I can feel that some have returned to the inner chambers. I'm afraid to say those 3 words as before. I'm afraid to devote myself to them. I'm afraid to feel as I did. I'm afraid to be as open as I was. I know some of my walls have returned, my heart isn't so freely revealed as before, retreating into it's inner chambers of protection, the inner heart once more off limits. My love and affection for him, that connection is still there, but can I...allow myself....I feel myself stepping back from that edge I was once so ready to fall over. Now I'm afraid to proclaim it and it won't take long before he notices. When I speak the words, they become real. In my heart I know I still love him. I'm just in defense mode and I'm always in a state of self preservation of my heart, the most vulnerable part of me, the one that will have a person own all that I am, body and soul. I must protect it. To acknowledge my love makes me feel sick, I am filled with the weight of sorrow. Call it recovery, call it my defenses. It is easier to pretend, it is easier to run, except for the fact that he is involved. It's not just me. I won't be able to run far before he notices I'm receding and forces me to face him and speak of the situation of my heart.

Visiting The Past -The Distant Call-

There are some who unintentionally break your heart, and you can't hate them, it's simply who they are; and it's that fresh ache in your chest that acts as that good reminder of what you left behind. Such indevers are over. I used to fight for their time and love; now, towards them I have become more placid. It is unfair to those who hunger and strive for my attention and time in association with them, for I have a mind to sometimes sum them all together instead of cut down to the individuals themselves. Perhaps it's shame that causes me to deny or ignore the cause. The depths to what it could mean, the messages behind such a truth. Also, simple acceptance that the levels of devotion, love and attention I seek are just to high of standards for them to give. This is why I must and do, enjoy this level from those who are capable of giving such as I. I feel this fulfillment, satisfaction, love and quality of contentment. My heart swells with joy and astonishment that there are others such as myself. Who can give me such time, I am overwhelmed. It is more than I could have imagined, the feeling greater than I could receive from the ones I was fighting to receive it from. I accept there are friends on many different levels and closeness, and even with the closeness, different focuses and strengths of each individual. I shall fret no longer and put my focus and time on those who care to receive it. All will get in portion to what they appreciate and what is due. No longer shall I waist my time and affections on those who do not value it. It only short changes those who do.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Bootcamp (November 6, 2011)

So time is almost up and it's coming down to the wire. Hell week wasn't that bad, but this week, week 5 is gonna suck. Final inspection with our dress uniform should be the easiest; final test with barely any time to study; final PFA which I'm not so nervous about.

I've lowered down my run time to 14:02 without killing myself. Extra hour of sleep last night was nice though. Oh! And the craziest thing, I added a little bit of sugar to my morning meal with some nasty coffee mixed with hot cocoa. I've been filled with so much more energy and happier ever since! I knew I was a sweet head but that's nuts!
The power of sugar.

Graduation is right around the corner and I can't wait! Boot has gotten easier and the "mood" more lax but still, freedom is highly missed and not being so anal over silly stuff like a perfectly measured stowed rack. >.<

Anyway, i don't have much time; a lot to prepare for.


Sunday, November 6, 2011

Bootcamp (October 27, 2011)

Yes, it's another day. Early day...again, with PT in the morning. I had live fire. They allowed me to try twice to qualify. I did well the first time despite my nerves but didn't score high enough to qualify; did the second time. Don't know my score. We aced the Drill. In fact, we actually have all 6 flags PLUS independent seamen (meaning we not march places without our RDC's) Flags, 1st Scholastic, 2nd Athletic, 3rd Zone (competent) and the 4th Drill. I've had very little sleep in the past 2-3 days. Staying awake truly is the hardest battle. IT'd (Intensive Training) afraid we might get IT'd before bed tonight. I pray otherwise. I'm so tired and it's horrible to go to bed covered in sweat and Homework awaiting you.

I haven't received any letters recently. It's weird and kinda sad. I could really use some encouragement and mostly would like to hear from you guys. How are you doing? What's new? How are things going in your relationships? How is the good life treating you, for those who are single? LoL I could use some laughs, affections and what not. Draw me a picture or something. Do you even think of me? (not including Shelley, Carolyn and family).

Anyway, hopefully we don't get beat.

Love ya,

Bootcamp (10/25/11?)

Well it's officially 4-1 day. Almost there! Today has been a very eventful day. Awoke at 4am to do my 1st, technically 2nd (was sick for 1st one) PFA (Physical Training Assessment). I was sooo nervous! Especially for the run >.< But I actually MADE MY RUN!! I surpassed my push ups; needed 16, I did 32. Fell short on my sit ups I'm afraid. I did 30 something and need 46, T.T., sadness. But I'm pleased with the results because it only means I can pass the final PFA in 3 weeks! And that is the only one that matters to graduate. Also today was a 2hr or so long weapon inspection. Where I stand at attention for like EVER and almost faint. I only got 1 hit on the first portion on a question. I knew because I blanked with a mind rush...oh well. We still passed and 1 hit is nothing though I could have had 5.0, darn it. So yes, this is what they call HELL WEEK. Tomorrow, ZONE, an inspection on our fold and stow and racks while we're are gone playing with guns. It's supposed to look like a tornado hit when we get back. I'm not nervous. Next day, Drill Assessment; we get graded on our marching as a division.

Our divisional flag is almost done. It's cool AND cute. It's a piggy bank in the form of a Destroyer. Our motivation line is "Make Money". No I didn't draw it or paint it. I put out ideas and all but in the end I'm blessed not having to deal with the stress. Never fear though, it looks good. I approve ^.^ I got to put in an order for t-shirts and sweaters. I ordered 1 hoodie. I wanted a shirt but they said the girls shirts come 2x smaller than the average shirt and with the clothes I wear, and the way I feel (a mix between fat and skinny)I didn't know what size to order. I don't even know what I'd look like in my old civies; I can't gauge; I don't know what I look like. My NWU's (Navy Work Uniform) is baggy on me now, but I feel fat when the only time I see myself is in a sports bra; very unappealing.
I miss bras and cute panties XD; steel toe boots are kick ass though. Ugh, can you tell today has been a long day? Taps isn't till 10 tonight... yaaay.

Boot isn't so hard anymore. It's become routine and in it's own right, fun. Granted, I miss a lot but as long as I keep moving, I'm fine. I found out after A-School I have the equivalent of 2 weeks free time. I kinda wanna come home for Christmas, say 5 days but that would take 5 days away and then if I do the 5 day recruiter assistance program, that will take another 5 (a few hrs of 5) that I get back in my leave days when I head to my command and tell them; leaving me 4 days utterly free after A-School. Thoughts? Should I just hold out till after school so only 5 days are lost or the sooner the visit the better? Just giving you guys a heads up because if you want to see me, you're gonna have to work around my schedule; granted I'm trying to work with you guys as well.

I had gotten a letter from Shelley; made me very happy, I cried. Also got one from Carolyn and my heart leaped. My mom writes me like everyday and it is seriously one of the highlights of my day. SO WRITE ME YOU LAZY ASS BUMS!!!!

On another note, I look like a mess; you all would love it. If there are pictures taken before I get to start decent grooming, I'll show you all. I'm sure you'll get a good laugh. Especially when you see me in my BCGS (Birth Control Glasses).

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Second Bootcamp letter (9/27/11)

Today was hard but we pulled together. To start off so strong this morning only to fall apart. We got punished. Today was the day we got marked FFD (fit for duty)so the IT'd (Intensive Training) as punishment. It was hard. My clothes were soaked through all the way to the outer garments. We wear 2-3 layers daily. Oh and they make us wear "skeevies" that's right Hanna, the dreaded granny panties. Oh they will be burned, LoL.

When thought is able to cross my mind beyond orders, I think of you guys. Today I though of GIO and MANNY (look, see, the disease is spreading. I don't know why I wrote the names in Recruit Hand Writing). Anyway, you both corssed my mind through I.T. As you both insulted me in your own ways, challenging me and encouraging me to push on. It was about 1 hr long and we technically didn't finish. We surprisingly didn't lose any girls, 3-4 guys dropped. Hooyah, will power! After that we became
well behaved again. I think that's why our RDC (Recruit Division Commander0 didn't continue it after Hygiene (shower + such). Manny made me laugh. He's such an asshole. I love you dumb-ass.

Surprisingly, I thought of Jerald after that. Guess I was in need for sweetness and affection; a gentle nature to counter the physical and mental harshness we had overcome. Being in a room full of women is weird. I'm so glad my division is integrated. Women are weird...or some anyway. I can't figure some of them out... well at least the heart of it. I see what they're doing, a lot of attitude, only wants to be heard but not listen. Once they put their wanna-be dominant egos aside and put others first before themselves, that's when things will mesh. It's kind of annoying.

Oh! I got my BCG's (Birth Control Glasses) today! I look like an epic nerd! XD Hair's a mess (poofy); could be worse. Boots are sexy,but we need to wear them mad tight so blistering will occurring till the leather breaks in; regardless, they're still comfy inside.

Well it's 20:45 (8:45 pm) going to bed.

Nighters <3

Thursday, September 29, 2011

First Bootcamp Letter (9/26/11)

Learning the chain of command is a bitch but I have a few down and no one taught me and the other 7 who arrived on the same day have been learning by observation...yay. As it stands graduation is on Nov 18 but don't make any arrangement yet, never know what can change in a few weeks. T_T

Boot will only get harder our Chief says, but I think we're pulling together. Our commaders, Chief and our 1st and 2nd Petty Officers are clearly impressed and proud of us. On the flip side that means they expect more from us.

As hard as boot is, I find it's actually fun, just don't... don't... DON'T fall asleep >.< not that I have.

My address is:
SHIP 02 DIV 901
GREAT LAKES, IL 60088-7105

So for those who remember 'lil' old me, write me something!! or I will hunt you down and you'll be staring down the barrel of my shotgun...Bwahahaha

So yeah, was a bit of a shell shock and mornings are probably the hardest. It's not easy to fix your bed to Recruit Division Commander (RDC) specific instruction when I've never been instructed and without glasses. I could have sworn I dreamed about friends last night but abrupt revalee makes me quickly forget. I was kind of down at one point but I remembered Bittner, Stephan's encouraging words and felt better. Overall, it's hard but fun and I'm starting to connect with people. Can't smile or laugh, military barring almost makes you forget yourself. Thanks to this letter I feel myself returning. There's a time and place for everything. Morale is rising and there is talking, laughing and smiling again... when we sneak it in.

Well, I'm going to go take my 1st long shower now.

Seaman Recruit Corsair over and out.

Love you all

Write Me!!!