Tuesday, June 5, 2012
I don't know what this new feeling in my heart means. I feel....clean. The weight of my fears have been lifted, only to be confirmed by God. Perhaps that's why it doesn't hurt, besides the burst of explosion of my sorrow when the message set in. Instinct is always right. If it is a negative thing bound to happen, especially if it derives in untold fear and growing emotions of something negative to potentially come, she is right and I deep down in my subconscious know an untold truth I am to afraid to accept and recognize. And as it gnaws away at the inner chambers of my heart, constantly bothering me, constantly present and becoming more and more of a presence I can't ignore, I know of an untold truth I begin to question and seek out to appease and end the feeling. Comfort....that's what God told me. How can I ever be the same? Part of me has resigned, part of me has pulled away. I can feel that some have returned to the inner chambers. I'm afraid to say those 3 words as before. I'm afraid to devote myself to them. I'm afraid to feel as I did. I'm afraid to be as open as I was. I know some of my walls have returned, my heart isn't so freely revealed as before, retreating into it's inner chambers of protection, the inner heart once more off limits. My love and affection for him, that connection is still there, but can I...allow myself....I feel myself stepping back from that edge I was once so ready to fall over. Now I'm afraid to proclaim it and it won't take long before he notices. When I speak the words, they become real. In my heart I know I still love him. I'm just in defense mode and I'm always in a state of self preservation of my heart, the most vulnerable part of me, the one that will have a person own all that I am, body and soul. I must protect it. To acknowledge my love makes me feel sick, I am filled with the weight of sorrow. Call it recovery, call it my defenses. It is easier to pretend, it is easier to run, except for the fact that he is involved. It's not just me. I won't be able to run far before he notices I'm receding and forces me to face him and speak of the situation of my heart.
Posted by Elena Corsair at 8:01 PM
There are some who unintentionally break your heart, and you can't hate them, it's simply who they are; and it's that fresh ache in your chest that acts as that good reminder of what you left behind. Such indevers are over. I used to fight for their time and love; now, towards them I have become more placid. It is unfair to those who hunger and strive for my attention and time in association with them, for I have a mind to sometimes sum them all together instead of cut down to the individuals themselves. Perhaps it's shame that causes me to deny or ignore the cause. The depths to what it could mean, the messages behind such a truth. Also, simple acceptance that the levels of devotion, love and attention I seek are just to high of standards for them to give. This is why I must and do, enjoy this level from those who are capable of giving such as I. I feel this fulfillment, satisfaction, love and quality of contentment. My heart swells with joy and astonishment that there are others such as myself. Who can give me such time, I am overwhelmed. It is more than I could have imagined, the feeling greater than I could receive from the ones I was fighting to receive it from. I accept there are friends on many different levels and closeness, and even with the closeness, different focuses and strengths of each individual. I shall fret no longer and put my focus and time on those who care to receive it. All will get in portion to what they appreciate and what is due. No longer shall I waist my time and affections on those who do not value it. It only short changes those who do.
Posted by Elena Corsair at 2:36 PM