Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Foiled Again, The Cruelty of Fate

I don't know what this new feeling in my heart means. I feel....clean. The weight of my fears have been lifted, only to be confirmed by God. Perhaps that's why it doesn't hurt, besides the burst of explosion of my sorrow when the message set in. Instinct is always right. If it is a negative thing bound to happen, especially if it derives in untold fear and growing emotions of something negative to potentially come, she is right and I deep down in my subconscious know an untold truth I am to afraid to accept and recognize. And as it gnaws away at the inner chambers of my heart, constantly bothering me, constantly present and becoming more and more of a presence I can't ignore, I know of an untold truth I begin to question and seek out to appease and end the feeling. Comfort....that's what God told me. How can I ever be the same? Part of me has resigned, part of me has pulled away. I can feel that some have returned to the inner chambers. I'm afraid to say those 3 words as before. I'm afraid to devote myself to them. I'm afraid to feel as I did. I'm afraid to be as open as I was. I know some of my walls have returned, my heart isn't so freely revealed as before, retreating into it's inner chambers of protection, the inner heart once more off limits. My love and affection for him, that connection is still there, but can I...allow myself....I feel myself stepping back from that edge I was once so ready to fall over. Now I'm afraid to proclaim it and it won't take long before he notices. When I speak the words, they become real. In my heart I know I still love him. I'm just in defense mode and I'm always in a state of self preservation of my heart, the most vulnerable part of me, the one that will have a person own all that I am, body and soul. I must protect it. To acknowledge my love makes me feel sick, I am filled with the weight of sorrow. Call it recovery, call it my defenses. It is easier to pretend, it is easier to run, except for the fact that he is involved. It's not just me. I won't be able to run far before he notices I'm receding and forces me to face him and speak of the situation of my heart.

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