Monday, September 4, 2017

A Promise and a Message of Thanks

I remember a conversation I had with God that would change the direction I was going. I forget where I was, but I remember the words. I was feeling stagnant in my life. I was ready for the next step. I wasn't happy in the job I was doing; I wanted more but not sure where to go. So I prayed. I told God I felt far away and if I wasn't where I was supposed to be, please change it, I wanted to be there. I wanted to experience the fullness of whatever "he" had planned. "He" asked, "will you follow me? No matter how far it will take you?" I said, "yes. I want to be there. I know whatever you have planned is greater than anything I could possibly imagine. I want to be fulfilled and I know I will never feel that if I'm not where you are; where you initially planned me to be." I paused. "I'm ready. I can't stay here anymore." "Even if it hurts? It won't be easy." There was a sense of sadness and compassion before "he" said softly, "It will wrench at your heart. That which you hold most dear, that you have great pride in, will fall." I didn't know what "he" was alluding to, or maybe deep down I did, but I quickly dismissed the whispered answer I feared to acknowledge and hear. I pursed my lips. My head fell. Somehow, in that moment I already knew. I cried with such a deep ache in the depth of my very being. Past my heart, past my gut, it reached deep into the very core of my essence and I shook with silent sobs and screaming cries. The kind of sadness that is only experienced when one looses their greatest possession; someone they dearly love. Yes....the core of all I was knew what the sacrifice was, but my mind rebelled and clung to denial and ignorance. I slowly looked up and stared into the bright nothingness; my face a sloppy mess that only despair can bring, eyes full of desperation for some kind of hope. "But will you be there?" I barely whispered. "Yes..." God spoke so gently. My eyes drifted down. I felt numb; batted off from consuming me solely by the compassionate feeling that embraced me. It held a message that whispered as if from within: you don't have to. You can stay here, I'll still be just won't be the wealth of everything I have to offer. I understand if you choose to stay. I shook my head to this and took a deep breath, trying to fill myself. With the deepest of sighs, slowly amounting strength and courage I looked up and said firmly, "Yes. Even if it hurts....I will follow you". That day, only my inner soul knew that I had given up my half baked, immature marriage on the promise of something more wonderful that lay in the unknown. I may never meet another person I will promise my life to, but something wonderful is bound to come. Never again will I settle and make excuses. Maybe I'll end up giving a bunch of my time to charities and travel and experience so many amazing things and be single for the rest of my time. Maybe I'll finally experience real matured love from my "mystery man" that I've dreamt about for years. Maybe none of these things. But this is what I know. Here I am, on the opposite coast, like it was for told to me by a psychic long ago. I have lost my sinking marriage, which was really a bunch of kids playing house. Sometimes the reality of it shakes me. Knowing that I gave my all and he gave so little. Even though I was the one suffering while he was happy as could be and well cared for, he was the one to call it quits before even lifting a finger. It infuriates me. I know that I am in the world full of scummy men who play mind games just to get in your pants for a night; unprotected, unable to hide, but I’m ever wiser. I acknowledge I have trust issues and I am fearful of men twice as much as before. I know I try to let people down gently when they try to date me, but I also know I am very harsh in my opinion towards empty sexual encounters. I'm still in pain, it's now in the form of anger, but it lashes out to the whole male population I don't know. I acknowledge this is unfair. I am calming it down. I live in a place of duality. A place where I feel little hope to find a good man with the right vibration that harmonizes with my own. With the new development of detached humanity in the ever growing generations, I feel less likely to find a person of perception, depth and genuine care. This brings about a sense of despair. Defiance is born in my heart, who says, "so what? I don't need that kind of connection. I have amazing friends and family that love me. That alone makes me blessed and as long as I keep focussing on living a life that gives me joy, spreads love and happiness wherever I go, I should be ok. Romantic relations are complicated, stressful, potentially full of drama and possibly unnecessary to live a remarkable life.” On the flip side, I live with hope. I agreed to go along this path and I have a promise. I sometimes dream of "Mystery Man". It had been years since I last felt his presence and dreamt of him. He makes me so happy. Happier than my ex-husband. Maybe he'll forever be in my dreams, he just seems too cool, to alluring, to awesome to be true. Like what if we meet and it's like he knows me, like he says something like, "I've dreamt of you since I was young." My mind will be blown. But who comes across a human who is so mystifying? I seek the fantastic. Can I ever live amongst the mundane? I can't. I want to stare into the sky, touch the clouds and adore every cosmic painting that is made. The textures, the colors, the grandeur. The child in me will never die. I still hope “Mystery Man” is real and his return to my dreams only means he's an option again. Perhaps I'm ever closer to meeting him. But I will not stop living and seek him out. I will look to discover and do all that is in the here and now. I am not like the child I once was who didn't know how to enjoy the moment instead of living solely for tomorrow. I want to experience life so when I die, I won't be afraid because I had never lived. I want to live vibrantly and make memories. That is my life right now and hopefully forever more. Love fills my chest and I know this is my hope, this is my promise. I'm in a better place. Happier than I've been in a long time, despite some of the anxieties I might be experiencing, I am still shinning. My hope is in you God, thank you for all the blessings you've given me. Amazing friends, new and old, a loving family, a roof over my head, money to help get me by, a new job that will allow me to move forward and take my first real steps in recreation and independence. The love I feel comes from all around me. Thank you all for being there for me. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. Even in my silence you have not forgotten me. Even with the distance you have not forgotten me. You're all so amazing. I am richer than the wealthiest of people. Your love keeps my head above the water and gives me ever more strength to stand. I love you all.