So I had a conversation with my Grandma today and I was finally able to pin point my issue with my friends. I feel they don't hunger for me, don't desire me nor reach out for me. In their own way sure, but here's the deal, here's what I discovered.
I'm going to the Navy. Do you know what that means? It means I'm leaving...for good. It means I may never see you again. but you computer geeks don't really feel the heat, the depth of this because you take the easy way out. You say, 'well we always have Skype with Vid chats, Voice chats, IM chats and phone calls.' That's great computer nerds. I know you've lived off the computer since you could walk, and in the digital age that answer is acceptable, but I'm traditional and it only infuriates me. This year, since I've graduated is the MOST time I've ever spent attached to a computer and it's not because I want to. I settle for this because I LOVE YOU! But if I have a choice, as I do now till Sept 20th, I prefer to be face to face, in person. I want to feel you, touch you, hit you if I want to. I want to hug you. You all can be satisfied with these fake hang outs through conference calls and vid chats because you are all apart of this digital world. But right now, I have the chance to physically be with you, around you and I feel you don't even try. In time, very very soon, I will have no choice and that detached distant way of connecting and hanging out is all we will have. Then and only then shall I settle and accept this.
But god damn it guys this is my last summer! What don't you get?! I'M GONE!! Soon only to become a blip in your lives. Take advantage of my presence while I'm still here. Put a little fire up your ass. More and more I'm starting not to give a shit. And I keep wanting to give "one last chance" over and over again. but it's like, gosh I'm starting not to care and that's simply me giving up and accepting I'll make new friends very soon. I just don't feel like an important part of your guys lives. And sure, it's hard to come and see me. It has to be planned and arranged because of the distance and the fact that things have to be arranged around other peoples schedules, but stop making excuses; at least TRY. If you have to cancel in the end it's fine. It means a lot if the effort is at least made. I'm a physical social animal. Vid chats only go so far before it's just depressing. Seeing you only seems possible if I make it convenient for you guys by always being the one to go to you. That's what it's feeling like.
Truth be told, I know you guys care for me. I do. I just don't see you guys putting out like you want me around or miss me. I could ship out today and it would make no difference, and it just frustrating that I feel like I'm fighting for your love. I just can't live as you guys live. For me, this is not enough. Perhaps I feel it more because I see the days diminishing on the calendar. It directly affects me and my life; not yours. I know the severity of this decision, it's life changing and I also know what it's like to move from your friends. How the relationships change when they become distant. People grow apart from you, people change and things are not the same. Many are lost. I've moved all my life, where many of you have had/have childhood friends. I hold you all like treasures, you probably simply accept friends come and go. I feel it doesn't have to be that way, if you really care. You would try, strive, and try to dominate the allotted time before they are gone.
I'm here now, give a shit! I'm leaving, don't just shrug and simply accept this as is and go on your day like nothing's changed or will.
And I shouldn't have to say this. This should come from you guys, from your hearts, on your own. Your own desire, fed by your own longing. Am I not missed? Perhaps there is no longing. Just, hey nice to have met you, and waves of goodbye with out a second glance back. Not a tear will be shed in my name and yet I will be on the plane crying my eyes out over you. How could this not pain me? How could this not disgust me?
Am I getting through? Will anyone that this post is designated to read this? UGH!!