A Promise and a Message of Thanks

I remember a conversation I had with God that would change the direction I was going. I forget where I was, but I remember the words. I was feeling stagnant in my life. I was ready for the next step. I wasn't happy in the job I was doing; I wanted more but not sure where to go. So I prayed. I told God I felt far away and if I wasn't where I was supposed to be, please change it, I wanted to be there. I wanted to experience the fullness of whatever "he" had planned. "He" asked, "will you follow me? No matter how far it will take you?" I said, "yes. I want to be there. I know whatever you have planned is greater than anything I could possibly imagine. I want to be fulfilled and I know I will never feel that if I'm not where you are; where you initially planned me to be." I paused. "I'm ready. I can't stay here anymore." "Even if it hurts? It won't be easy." There was a sense of sadness and compassion before "he" said softly, "It will wrench at your heart. That which you hold most dear, that you have great pride in, will fall." I didn't know what "he" was alluding to, or maybe deep down I did, but I quickly dismissed the whispered answer I feared to acknowledge and hear. I pursed my lips. My head fell. Somehow, in that moment I already knew. I cried with such a deep ache in the depth of my very being. Past my heart, past my gut, it reached deep into the very core of my essence and I shook with silent sobs and screaming cries. The kind of sadness that is only experienced when one looses their greatest possession; someone they dearly love. Yes....the core of all I was knew what the sacrifice was, but my mind rebelled and clung to denial and ignorance. I slowly looked up and stared into the bright nothingness; my face a sloppy mess that only despair can bring, eyes full of desperation for some kind of hope. "But will you be there?" I barely whispered. "Yes..." God spoke so gently. My eyes drifted down. I felt numb; batted off from consuming me solely by the compassionate feeling that embraced me. It held a message that whispered as if from within: you don't have to. You can stay here, I'll still be here...it just won't be the wealth of everything I have to offer. I understand if you choose to stay. I shook my head to this and took a deep breath, trying to fill myself. With the deepest of sighs, slowly amounting strength and courage I looked up and said firmly, "Yes. Even if it hurts....I will follow you". That day, only my inner soul knew that I had given up my half baked, immature marriage on the promise of something more wonderful that lay in the unknown. I may never meet another person I will promise my life to, but something wonderful is bound to come. Never again will I settle and make excuses. Maybe I'll end up giving a bunch of my time to charities and travel and experience so many amazing things and be single for the rest of my time. Maybe I'll finally experience real matured love from my "mystery man" that I've dreamt about for years. Maybe none of these things. But this is what I know. Here I am, on the opposite coast, like it was for told to me by a psychic long ago. I have lost my sinking marriage, which was really a bunch of kids playing house. Sometimes the reality of it shakes me. Knowing that I gave my all and he gave so little. Even though I was the one suffering while he was happy as could be and well cared for, he was the one to call it quits before even lifting a finger. It infuriates me. I know that I am in the world full of scummy men who play mind games just to get in your pants for a night; unprotected, unable to hide, but I’m ever wiser. I acknowledge I have trust issues and I am fearful of men twice as much as before. I know I try to let people down gently when they try to date me, but I also know I am very harsh in my opinion towards empty sexual encounters. I'm still in pain, it's now in the form of anger, but it lashes out to the whole male population I don't know. I acknowledge this is unfair. I am calming it down. I live in a place of duality. A place where I feel little hope to find a good man with the right vibration that harmonizes with my own. With the new development of detached humanity in the ever growing generations, I feel less likely to find a person of perception, depth and genuine care. This brings about a sense of despair. Defiance is born in my heart, who says, "so what? I don't need that kind of connection. I have amazing friends and family that love me. That alone makes me blessed and as long as I keep focussing on living a life that gives me joy, spreads love and happiness wherever I go, I should be ok. Romantic relations are complicated, stressful, potentially full of drama and possibly unnecessary to live a remarkable life.” On the flip side, I live with hope. I agreed to go along this path and I have a promise. I sometimes dream of "Mystery Man". It had been years since I last felt his presence and dreamt of him. He makes me so happy. Happier than my ex-husband. Maybe he'll forever be in my dreams, he just seems too cool, to alluring, to awesome to be true. Like what if we meet and it's like he knows me, like he says something like, "I've dreamt of you since I was young." My mind will be blown. But who comes across a human who is so mystifying? I seek the fantastic. Can I ever live amongst the mundane? I can't. I want to stare into the sky, touch the clouds and adore every cosmic painting that is made. The textures, the colors, the grandeur. The child in me will never die. I still hope “Mystery Man” is real and his return to my dreams only means he's an option again. Perhaps I'm ever closer to meeting him. But I will not stop living and seek him out. I will look to discover and do all that is in the here and now. I am not like the child I once was who didn't know how to enjoy the moment instead of living solely for tomorrow. I want to experience life so when I die, I won't be afraid because I had never lived. I want to live vibrantly and make memories. That is my life right now and hopefully forever more. Love fills my chest and I know this is my hope, this is my promise. I'm in a better place. Happier than I've been in a long time, despite some of the anxieties I might be experiencing, I am still shinning. My hope is in you God, thank you for all the blessings you've given me. Amazing friends, new and old, a loving family, a roof over my head, money to help get me by, a new job that will allow me to move forward and take my first real steps in recreation and independence. The love I feel comes from all around me. Thank you all for being there for me. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. Even in my silence you have not forgotten me. Even with the distance you have not forgotten me. You're all so amazing. I am richer than the wealthiest of people. Your love keeps my head above the water and gives me ever more strength to stand. I love you all.

Foiled Again, The Cruelty of Fate

I don't know what this new feeling in my heart means. I feel....clean. The weight of my fears have been lifted, only to be confirmed by God. Perhaps that's why it doesn't hurt, besides the burst of explosion of my sorrow when the message set in. Instinct is always right. If it is a negative thing bound to happen, especially if it derives in untold fear and growing emotions of something negative to potentially come, she is right and I deep down in my subconscious know an untold truth I am to afraid to accept and recognize. And as it gnaws away at the inner chambers of my heart, constantly bothering me, constantly present and becoming more and more of a presence I can't ignore, I know of an untold truth I begin to question and seek out to appease and end the feeling. Comfort....that's what God told me. How can I ever be the same? Part of me has resigned, part of me has pulled away. I can feel that some have returned to the inner chambers. I'm afraid to say those 3 words as before. I'm afraid to devote myself to them. I'm afraid to feel as I did. I'm afraid to be as open as I was. I know some of my walls have returned, my heart isn't so freely revealed as before, retreating into it's inner chambers of protection, the inner heart once more off limits. My love and affection for him, that connection is still there, but can I...allow myself....I feel myself stepping back from that edge I was once so ready to fall over. Now I'm afraid to proclaim it and it won't take long before he notices. When I speak the words, they become real. In my heart I know I still love him. I'm just in defense mode and I'm always in a state of self preservation of my heart, the most vulnerable part of me, the one that will have a person own all that I am, body and soul. I must protect it. To acknowledge my love makes me feel sick, I am filled with the weight of sorrow. Call it recovery, call it my defenses. It is easier to pretend, it is easier to run, except for the fact that he is involved. It's not just me. I won't be able to run far before he notices I'm receding and forces me to face him and speak of the situation of my heart.

Visiting The Past -The Distant Call-

There are some who unintentionally break your heart, and you can't hate them, it's simply who they are; and it's that fresh ache in your chest that acts as that good reminder of what you left behind. Such indevers are over. I used to fight for their time and love; now, towards them I have become more placid. It is unfair to those who hunger and strive for my attention and time in association with them, for I have a mind to sometimes sum them all together instead of cut down to the individuals themselves. Perhaps it's shame that causes me to deny or ignore the cause. The depths to what it could mean, the messages behind such a truth. Also, simple acceptance that the levels of devotion, love and attention I seek are just to high of standards for them to give. This is why I must and do, enjoy this level from those who are capable of giving such as I. I feel this fulfillment, satisfaction, love and quality of contentment. My heart swells with joy and astonishment that there are others such as myself. Who can give me such time, I am overwhelmed. It is more than I could have imagined, the feeling greater than I could receive from the ones I was fighting to receive it from. I accept there are friends on many different levels and closeness, and even with the closeness, different focuses and strengths of each individual. I shall fret no longer and put my focus and time on those who care to receive it. All will get in portion to what they appreciate and what is due. No longer shall I waist my time and affections on those who do not value it. It only short changes those who do.

Bootcamp (November 6, 2011)

So time is almost up and it's coming down to the wire. Hell week wasn't that bad, but this week, week 5 is gonna suck. Final inspection with our dress uniform should be the easiest; final test with barely any time to study; final PFA which I'm not so nervous about.

I've lowered down my run time to 14:02 without killing myself. Extra hour of sleep last night was nice though. Oh! And the craziest thing, I added a little bit of sugar to my morning meal with some nasty coffee mixed with hot cocoa. I've been filled with so much more energy and happier ever since! I knew I was a sweet head but that's nuts!
The power of sugar.

Graduation is right around the corner and I can't wait! Boot has gotten easier and the "mood" more lax but still, freedom is highly missed and not being so anal over silly stuff like a perfectly measured stowed rack. >.<

Anyway, i don't have much time; a lot to prepare for.

Cyaz

Bootcamp (October 27, 2011)

Yes, it's another day. Early day...again, with PT in the morning. I had live fire. They allowed me to try twice to qualify. I did well the first time despite my nerves but didn't score high enough to qualify; did the second time. Don't know my score. We aced the Drill. In fact, we actually have all 6 flags PLUS independent seamen (meaning we not march places without our RDC's) Flags, 1st Scholastic, 2nd Athletic, 3rd Zone (competent) and the 4th Drill. I've had very little sleep in the past 2-3 days. Staying awake truly is the hardest battle. IT'd (Intensive Training) afraid we might get IT'd before bed tonight. I pray otherwise. I'm so tired and it's horrible to go to bed covered in sweat and Homework awaiting you.

I haven't received any letters recently. It's weird and kinda sad. I could really use some encouragement and mostly would like to hear from you guys. How are you doing? What's new? How are things going in your relationships? How is the good life treating you, for those who are single? LoL I could use some laughs, affections and what not. Draw me a picture or something. Do you even think of me? (not including Shelley, Carolyn and family).

Anyway, hopefully we don't get beat.

Love ya,
Goodnight

Bootcamp (10/25/11?)

Well it's officially 4-1 day. Almost there! Today has been a very eventful day. Awoke at 4am to do my 1st, technically 2nd (was sick for 1st one) PFA (Physical Training Assessment). I was sooo nervous! Especially for the run >.< But I actually MADE MY RUN!! I surpassed my push ups; needed 16, I did 32. Fell short on my sit ups I'm afraid. I did 30 something and need 46, T.T., sadness. But I'm pleased with the results because it only means I can pass the final PFA in 3 weeks! And that is the only one that matters to graduate. Also today was a 2hr or so long weapon inspection. Where I stand at attention for like EVER and almost faint. I only got 1 hit on the first portion on a question. I knew because I blanked with a mind rush...oh well. We still passed and 1 hit is nothing though I could have had 5.0, darn it. So yes, this is what they call HELL WEEK. Tomorrow, ZONE, an inspection on our fold and stow and racks while we're are gone playing with guns. It's supposed to look like a tornado hit when we get back. I'm not nervous. Next day, Drill Assessment; we get graded on our marching as a division.

Our divisional flag is almost done. It's cool AND cute. It's a piggy bank in the form of a Destroyer. Our motivation line is "Make Money". No I didn't draw it or paint it. I put out ideas and all but in the end I'm blessed not having to deal with the stress. Never fear though, it looks good. I approve ^.^ I got to put in an order for t-shirts and sweaters. I ordered 1 hoodie. I wanted a shirt but they said the girls shirts come 2x smaller than the average shirt and with the clothes I wear, and the way I feel (a mix between fat and skinny)I didn't know what size to order. I don't even know what I'd look like in my old civies; I can't gauge; I don't know what I look like. My NWU's (Navy Work Uniform) is baggy on me now, but I feel fat when the only time I see myself is in a sports bra; very unappealing.
I miss bras and cute panties XD; steel toe boots are kick ass though. Ugh, can you tell today has been a long day? Taps isn't till 10 tonight... yaaay.

Boot isn't so hard anymore. It's become routine and in it's own right, fun. Granted, I miss a lot but as long as I keep moving, I'm fine. I found out after A-School I have the equivalent of 2 weeks free time. I kinda wanna come home for Christmas, say 5 days but that would take 5 days away and then if I do the 5 day recruiter assistance program, that will take another 5 (a few hrs of 5) that I get back in my leave days when I head to my command and tell them; leaving me 4 days utterly free after A-School. Thoughts? Should I just hold out till after school so only 5 days are lost or the sooner the visit the better? Just giving you guys a heads up because if you want to see me, you're gonna have to work around my schedule; granted I'm trying to work with you guys as well.

I had gotten a letter from Shelley; made me very happy, I cried. Also got one from Carolyn and my heart leaped. My mom writes me like everyday and it is seriously one of the highlights of my day. SO WRITE ME YOU LAZY ASS BUMS!!!!

On another note, I look like a mess; you all would love it. If there are pictures taken before I get to start decent grooming, I'll show you all. I'm sure you'll get a good laugh. Especially when you see me in my BCGS (Birth Control Glasses).

Second Bootcamp letter (9/27/11)

Today was hard but we pulled together. To start off so strong this morning only to fall apart. We got punished. Today was the day we got marked FFD (fit for duty)so the IT'd (Intensive Training) as punishment. It was hard. My clothes were soaked through all the way to the outer garments. We wear 2-3 layers daily. Oh and they make us wear "skeevies" that's right Hanna, the dreaded granny panties. Oh they will be burned, LoL.

When thought is able to cross my mind beyond orders, I think of you guys. Today I though of GIO and MANNY (look, see, the disease is spreading. I don't know why I wrote the names in Recruit Hand Writing). Anyway, you both corssed my mind through I.T. As you both insulted me in your own ways, challenging me and encouraging me to push on. It was about 1 hr long and we technically didn't finish. We surprisingly didn't lose any girls, 3-4 guys dropped. Hooyah, will power! After that we became
well behaved again. I think that's why our RDC (Recruit Division Commander0 didn't continue it after Hygiene (shower + such). Manny made me laugh. He's such an asshole. I love you dumb-ass.

Surprisingly, I thought of Jerald after that. Guess I was in need for sweetness and affection; a gentle nature to counter the physical and mental harshness we had overcome. Being in a room full of women is weird. I'm so glad my division is integrated. Women are weird...or some anyway. I can't figure some of them out... well at least the heart of it. I see what they're doing, a lot of attitude, only wants to be heard but not listen. Once they put their wanna-be dominant egos aside and put others first before themselves, that's when things will mesh. It's kind of annoying.

Oh! I got my BCG's (Birth Control Glasses) today! I look like an epic nerd! XD Hair's a mess (poofy); could be worse. Boots are sexy,but we need to wear them mad tight so blistering will occurring till the leather breaks in; regardless, they're still comfy inside.

Well it's 20:45 (8:45 pm) going to bed.

Nighters <3